Maintaining eroticism and tension: how to do it?

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Eroticism is all about imagination and stimulation. It is actually separate from the physical. And then what it is specifically, that is different for everyone.

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Is absolute safety the trap for tension and eroticism? Here, relationship therapist Esther Perel describes how eroticism works in her eyes. Maybe we shouldn’t want to know everything about our partners. And should remain as curious about each other as possible.

Breaking the habit

What is eroticism to you? Start the research! This brings you closer to yourself and what you value within your intimacy. And sometimes there are all kinds of layers underneath. You may like or dislike things because of past experiences, or because of certain beliefs you have.

Eroticism is all about desire and how to stir it up (again). Actually, it is everything that happens between you and your partner, apart from the physical. Often these are the little things. A look, wink, touch when the other person is not expecting it. With those little gestures you set the delay, and right there it happens!

It is precisely beyond those “old” beliefs that there is more to discover. This can be scary and uncomfortable because unfamiliar. Yet, can you shift the focus from the physical, sex, to the total experience?

In search of your erotic intelligence

Perel calls that erotic intelligence. “The ability to cultivate sexuality in our imagination – which has everything to do with the essentially human need for autonomy and adventure, innovation and playfulness.”

True, notions of adventure and innovation are diametrically opposed to values of safety and evenness. Things we also find very important within relationships. But perhaps there is a line to be drawn between those two worlds. Between the adventurous and the safe. And you can use both of them to enrich your relationship.

What a broad term, that eroticism. Therefore, definitely worth thinking about. Is it something you yourself struggle with in your relationship? Discuss it once in the practice room. May be relief!

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