Differences in Libido in Relationships: Causes and Solutions

Differences in sexual desire are one of the most common reasons why couples come to Praktijk de Liefde for relationship therapy. It occurs in virtually every long-term relationship: one partner wants to make love more often than the other. This doesn't have to be a problem, but when the difference creates tension, it's important to talk about it.

What is a difference in libido?

A difference in libido means that partners differ in how often or when they feel the need for sex. One person might feel desire daily, the other weekly or less. Neither is wrong. It only becomes a problem when it remains unspoken and leads to frustration, rejection, or distance.

Common causes

Differences in libido rarely have a single cause. Often multiple factors play a role at the same time:

• Stress and fatigue: work, children, and daily pressures leave little room for intimacy
• Hormonal changes: pregnancy, menopause, contraception, or medication can influence desire
• Relationship tension: unresolved conflicts, lack of emotional safety, or breach of trust
• Different needs: one partner wants to connect through sex, the other needs emotional connection first
• Mental health: depression, anxiety, or negative self-image

The impact on your relationship

When differences in libido aren't discussed, a negative spiral often develops. The partner with more desire feels rejected and starts pushing. The partner with less desire feels pressure and withdraws further. Both partners feel misunderstood. We see this pattern regularly at Praktijk de Liefde, and it can definitely be broken.

How relationship therapy helps with differences in libido

At Praktijk de Liefde we treat differences in libido within the context of your relationship. We don't just look at sex itself, but at the patterns surrounding it:

• What dynamic plays out between you when it comes to intimacy?
• Do you feel emotionally safe enough to be vulnerable?
• What unspoken expectations or fears are at play?

By making these patterns visible and breaking through them, space is created for a sex life that fits both of you. On average, couples need 4 to 8 sessions for lasting improvement.

Tips to get started at home

• Talk about it without accusations: use "I" statements instead of "you never..."
• Plan quality time without expectations: not every touch has to lead to sex
• Be honest about what you need: both physically and emotionally
• Seek professional help if the conversation gets stuck

When to seek help?

If differences in libido create tension that you can't resolve on your own, relationship therapy is a logical step. At Praktijk de Liefde, sex therapy is integrated into relationship therapy. There is no waiting list and you can often be seen within a week.

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