What is really behind the argument?

‘It often goes nowhere. Sometimes you get into arguments without much thought, but what is really behind them? Arguing also has a function, a deeper layer. Let’s unravel this topic a bit.

What that deeper layer is? We explain that further here, following the great interview that relationship therapist Joey Steur gave to evajinek.nl: The case for conflict: a lesson in wrangling for conflict avoiders.

Some hardly ever argue, while others bicker. From fierce and obvious, to avoiding conflict, everyone handles it in their own way. Barking, running away or hoarding, often it is the top of a problem, the surface. They are strategies that we have made our own over time, usually before. In the difficult situations, we reacted in a way that worked for us at the time, that made us survive.

Guarding your boundaries

Within that disagreement, it’s up to you to guard your boundaries, Joey explains in the article. She gives a practical example of conflict behavior in the workplace. Maybe you recognize it. But what’s behind that? And what are the consequences of avoiding your own feelings in the process? In doing so, Joey draws the parallel to love relationships. Read how drastic that avoidance can be in the article.

Her tips tell you how to deal with disagreement. And that’s probably not suddenly very easy. You have to practice with it to find that it improves. The main thing is to be aware of certain behaviors. Behavior that has been there for years and years, but which gets you nothing. Dissect your reactions during a conflict, what position do you take at that moment?

Aren’t you coming out of arguments in the relationship, or in your job, by yourselves? Let us know, our therapists will help you find a solution.

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