Giving each other space: work on balanced love

How exclusive is the love relationship between two people? Is there such a thing as having a right to each other? The lack of freedom and trust sometimes culminates in an ever-repeating struggle. A theme that plays a role in some couples. How much space is there and how much can and should there be in a relationship? Therefore, central to this blog: the need for space in relationships and seeking that space.

Giving each other space: a recurring topic in our practice. Because sometimes a compelling exclusivity creeps into relationships. Strong expectations and desires toward the other, it can oppress and alienate. There is then no balanced love but rather tussling for rightness. And also the balance is no longer right, between merging into each other and remaining yourself.

We don’t always realize this because we get used to patterns that have been repeating themselves in a certain way for a long time. Yet its impact can pile up, grab partners by the throat.

Being together without claiming rights

What would emerge if you could give each other more trust and more figurative (and perhaps literal) room to move? Can you be loving together without deriving rights from it?

In couples therapy, we question this space and look at what drives love. Does giving each other more space lead to more depth, to more love? Does letting go lead to more intimacy? Can we balance the scales?

Perhaps with more space and confidence, you will succeed in creating a balanced love. Give and take, including in determining positions or making decisions together. How beautiful, really, to be there for each other in a pure way, without expecting anything in return.

In Volkskrant’s Lust & Love column, Tom talks about how he experienced that exclusivity in love. Here you can read his story.

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